I wish I could put my anger towards him into something productive or at least that it could feel good to be that fucking mad. But all I can ever feel is small. When he extends an olive branch I want to snap it and throw it at his feet and make him feel the shame I think he deserves. But I know he never will. He extends the olive branch in the hopes I’ll accept and that he can feel like he didn’t do harm, so he you can live with himself, whereas if I don’t accept, if I throw that fit I want to so badly, then obviously I am the one who needs to grow. I wish he knew he can’t force his way back into my life, that his attempt do nothing but harm.
As I wrote the above I had “Pentiment” by Gylt playing on a loop. That song captures the exact type of anger I felt and wanted to get out, but now as it continues to play I just feel spent.